The Road Not Traveled: Top Ten Scenic Vistas and Sites We Decided to Give a Miss

We brake for animals, border patrolmen, even the occasional traffic signal that Oklahoma likes to insert onto the interstate, but we didn’t brake for these.

Note: Much of what you are about to read is courtesy of the fine folks at AAA Tourbooks, producers of unintentional comedy since 1947.

For anyone new to AAA Tourbooks, there are a few things you should know before we begin. First, these books are not intended as serious guidebooks. While their stated purpose is tourism, they are geared toward motorists; anyone who has ever been on a road trip knows that motorists are in far greater need of entertainment while on the road than they are tips for sightseeing off the road. Thus, AAA Tourbooks sets itself apart within the industry through sheer breadth of coverage. Picture an entire 683-page volume devoted to things to see and do in Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. The possibilities are staggering. Then, AAA hands these books out like Starlight mints to anyone even claiming to be a card-carrying member, such that one could theoretically tear out Kansas and use it to spit out one’s gum and still have enough reading material to drive the 40 from Bakersfield to Wilmington and back again.

AAA employs the infamous “Diamond’ rating system for accommodations, which ranges from 3 Diamonds for superior establishments (Hampton Inn) to 1 Diamond (Pit Stop). Single Diamond hotels should be considered only if the undersides of all bridges within a 50-mile radius are already spoken for.

The second important metric for AAA insiders is the recommended time for site visits. For example, the California Tourbook recommends that visitors to the Getty allow 3 hours minimum. Anything with a recommended time allotment of 15 minutes or less should be avoided. However, please bear in mind that AAA did recommend at least an hour for someplace in Albany, TX called the Old Jail Art Center; reader discretion is therefore advised.

It was with these Gold Standards held close to our hearts that Dad and I left San Francisco and ventured out into the Great Unknown. And it was with the AAA Tourbooks as our Roadway Bibles that we pretty much floored it through much of the Mountain & Central zones. Yet, as we drove, scanning maps and flipping through the books to see just exactly what we were missing, a few places caught my eye and drove home the road tripper’s mantra: Never look back.

So, I give you The Road Not Traveled:

10. National Border Patrol Museum - El Paso, TX
AAA tells us that this hallowed institution documents “over 100 years of U.S. Border Patrol history throughout the United States.” On top of this amazing feat, the museum offers visitors an up-close look at the “canine units” and the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to actually sit inside a border patrol vehicle (read: white sedan).

9. Willcox, AZ
While Willcox does boast the one and only Rex Allen Arizona Cowboy Museum and Cowboy Hall of Fame (storyboards! genuine leather! ranch implements!), it is also home to the Willcox Dry Lake Bombing Range (AAA: Allow 1.7 seconds minimum).

8. North Maricopa Mountain Wilderness, Arizona
I hear that the South Maricopa Mountain Wilderness is much nicer this time of year.

7. Jackrabbit Statue - Odessa, TX
This 8-foot statue of a Texas jackrabbit is billed as “the world’s largest known hare.” Despite this convincing claim, Dad and I remained skeptical.

6. George W. Bush Childhood Home - Midland, TX
For those who truly want to get inside the psyche of the man himself, this “fully restored” home boasts “furnishings authentic to the period of 1952-1955” when the Bush family lived there. How the fine folks in the curatorial department managed to get their hands on a real “cracked ice” Formica tabletop and matching chrome & vinyl chairs is anyone’s guess!

5. Burro Peak - Somewhere north of Lordsburg, NM
They say those that visit the Burro come back much altered.

4. Biggest Burger King in Arizona - Yuma, AZ
Dad and I would’ve been all over this one but the ball pit was closed for “renovation” (read: bi-annual hosing off).

3. Tushka, OK
Despite the overwhelming temptation to pick up a “My husband / daughter went to Tushka and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” t-shirt for Mom, we decided our time was better spent 5 miles up the road at the Boggy Depot State Park & Recreation Area.

2. Mastodon State Historic Site - Imperial, MO
They didn’t take American Express.

1. Frontier Texas! - Abilene, TX
Frontier Texas Exclamation Point is the main event in (where else?) Abilene, TX. According to AAA Tourbooks, the facility “offers a look at frontier life through audiovisual and interactive exhibits.” Attractions at Frontier Texas Exclamation Point include a surround-sound ride that allows visitors to experience both a buffalo stampede and a shootout; a holographic presentation that introduces frontier (!) folk, settlers, and Indians; and interactive exhibits featuring a stagecoach and a saloon. AAA also advises that “Life-size buffalo replicas may be seen.”