I spent the past weekend in New York, primarily visiting one Liz Shearer and secondarily enjoying art and culture and stuff. And what better way to do the latter, we asked ourselves on Saturday morning (morning being 1pm NYT, which I have discovered is very different from EST), than by attending a barleywine festival in Brooklyn?
It was not our original plan to attend a barleywine festival in Brooklyn. However, Liz received some email correspondence late Friday evening that read something like this:
Drink as a Hobbit Drinks
Train for St. Patrick's Day at the eighth annual Split Thy Brooklyn Skull Barleywine Festival this weekend. On tap: 34 different brews, from winter wheats to chocolate stouts to the exceptionally strong namesake ales. Or as Eric Asimov writes: "Barley wines are not for chugging after a workout. They are not refreshing but thought-provoking, sip by contemplative sip ... I like to think of Bilbo Baggins, comfortable and secure in his paneled Hobbit hole, with a cupboard full of seedcakes and a mug of barley wine."
When one receives an invitation to a beer festival, the name of which appears to be written in pirate-speak and which someone named Eric Asimov* has likened to a cozy evening hearthside with Bilbo Baggins, one does not say no.
Or at least Liz and I do not.
Instead, we asked ourselves were we worthy of such an undertaking? We asked ourselves what we must do to properly prepare for said fest? We asked ourselves what would Bilbo do?
Now, I must pause my tale as it occurs to me that there may be a few of you out there who are not so familiar with the realms of fantasy literature and who I still deign to call ‘friend.’ (We won’t even go into whether those persons deign to call me friend or even acquaintance, nor whether they would deign to read this blog. Outlook not so good.)
But on the off chance there are some fantasy novel non-familiars in my reading audience, allow me to provide some background. When I speak of fantasy novels, I am talking Tolkien. I am talking Narnia. I am talking Lloyd Alexander. I am even talking Susan Cooper. Much as I love him, I am not talking Harry Potter.
Characters must include at least one hobbit, dwarf, gnome, or other such person of small stature. One character must have an animal friend and one must play a woodwind or stringed instrument (percussion and brass need not apply). Ideally one of the characters will be enchanted, although this requirement can also be filled by the animal friend. Once assembled, the cast of characters will form a band and proceed to rove.
For the most part this roving is through forests and in the best fantasy will involve a tree dwelling of some sort. While on the move, the travelers carry their worldly belongings and provisions strapped to their backs in rough burlap-style sacks. (When strapped to their belts, the sacks are made of leather and are called “pouches.”) Their food comes almost entirely in dense cake form, including oatcakes, wheatcakes, corncakes, seedcakes, and the aptly named “mealcakes.” Occasionally the forest will provide dietary supplements of wild berries or roots; perhaps even mythical beings would suffer ill effects from fiber deficiency in an entirely cake-based subsistence. Their drink is characterized only as “ale.” It is presumably dark, it is presumably strong, and it is most definitely carried in a pouch and enjoyed by all.
That said, the answer to our question WWBD? was all too clear. Faced with the prospect of a journey to far-off Brooklyn to imbibe of the fine barleywine, Bilbo would bake some oaten cakes and find a haversack in which to transport them.
Now, I am not sure that Bilbo would procure his oats at an organic grocery on 107th and Broadway, nor would he impulse purchase some pear and pecorino as a delightful hors d’oeuvre for his oatcake main dish, but sadly we were in Manhattan not Middle-earth and did I mention we like cheese?
So, with our haversacks (Liz’ was at least made of a canvassy material; mine was pathetically cotton) full of oatcakes and our hearts full of joy at the prospect of encountering other like-minded barley loving fellows, we set out to break our Brooklyn skulls.
Upon our arrival at Mug’s Ale House in the somewhat hipster neighborhood of Williamsburg, we were a bit surprised to find that our compatriots were not so much settled into large armchairs by the fire. Nor were they roving in the tiny wilderness of the back beer garden. There was ale all right, but it was served in miniature snifters rather than pouches or even earthenware mugs. No pipers piping, no lutists luting. There was not a cake in sight.
Nor was there a waiter in sight, for that matter. After consuming our first snifter of barleywine, we waited a solid 45 minutes to order our second, nibbling half-heartedly on an oatcake, only to be told by a very harassed looking waitress that they were just “really swamped” at the moment. Although our ears perked up momentarily at the mention of “swamp” (Gollum?), we decided perhaps it was time to rove onward.
We decided Bilbo would go to the delightful German beer haus up the way.
* Eric Asimov appears to be the chief wine critic for the NY Times. And a closet fantasy lover. I aspire to be Eric Asimov. Tragically, I know nothing of fine wines and my love of fantasy is no longer the well-kept secret it once was.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Friday, March 2, 2007
The Road Not Traveled: Top Ten Scenic Vistas and Sites We Decided to Give a Miss
We brake for animals, border patrolmen, even the occasional traffic signal that Oklahoma likes to insert onto the interstate, but we didn’t brake for these.
Note: Much of what you are about to read is courtesy of the fine folks at AAA Tourbooks, producers of unintentional comedy since 1947.
For anyone new to AAA Tourbooks, there are a few things you should know before we begin. First, these books are not intended as serious guidebooks. While their stated purpose is tourism, they are geared toward motorists; anyone who has ever been on a road trip knows that motorists are in far greater need of entertainment while on the road than they are tips for sightseeing off the road. Thus, AAA Tourbooks sets itself apart within the industry through sheer breadth of coverage. Picture an entire 683-page volume devoted to things to see and do in Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. The possibilities are staggering. Then, AAA hands these books out like Starlight mints to anyone even claiming to be a card-carrying member, such that one could theoretically tear out Kansas and use it to spit out one’s gum and still have enough reading material to drive the 40 from Bakersfield to Wilmington and back again.
AAA employs the infamous “Diamond’ rating system for accommodations, which ranges from 3 Diamonds for superior establishments (Hampton Inn) to 1 Diamond (Pit Stop). Single Diamond hotels should be considered only if the undersides of all bridges within a 50-mile radius are already spoken for.
The second important metric for AAA insiders is the recommended time for site visits. For example, the California Tourbook recommends that visitors to the Getty allow 3 hours minimum. Anything with a recommended time allotment of 15 minutes or less should be avoided. However, please bear in mind that AAA did recommend at least an hour for someplace in Albany, TX called the Old Jail Art Center; reader discretion is therefore advised.
It was with these Gold Standards held close to our hearts that Dad and I left San Francisco and ventured out into the Great Unknown. And it was with the AAA Tourbooks as our Roadway Bibles that we pretty much floored it through much of the Mountain & Central zones. Yet, as we drove, scanning maps and flipping through the books to see just exactly what we were missing, a few places caught my eye and drove home the road tripper’s mantra: Never look back.
So, I give you The Road Not Traveled:
10. National Border Patrol Museum - El Paso, TX
AAA tells us that this hallowed institution documents “over 100 years of U.S. Border Patrol history throughout the United States.” On top of this amazing feat, the museum offers visitors an up-close look at the “canine units” and the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to actually sit inside a border patrol vehicle (read: white sedan).
9. Willcox, AZ
While Willcox does boast the one and only Rex Allen Arizona Cowboy Museum and Cowboy Hall of Fame (storyboards! genuine leather! ranch implements!), it is also home to the Willcox Dry Lake Bombing Range (AAA: Allow 1.7 seconds minimum).
8. North Maricopa Mountain Wilderness, Arizona
I hear that the South Maricopa Mountain Wilderness is much nicer this time of year.
7. Jackrabbit Statue - Odessa, TX
This 8-foot statue of a Texas jackrabbit is billed as “the world’s largest known hare.” Despite this convincing claim, Dad and I remained skeptical.
6. George W. Bush Childhood Home - Midland, TX
For those who truly want to get inside the psyche of the man himself, this “fully restored” home boasts “furnishings authentic to the period of 1952-1955” when the Bush family lived there. How the fine folks in the curatorial department managed to get their hands on a real “cracked ice” Formica tabletop and matching chrome & vinyl chairs is anyone’s guess!
5. Burro Peak - Somewhere north of Lordsburg, NM
They say those that visit the Burro come back much altered.
4. Biggest Burger King in Arizona - Yuma, AZ
Dad and I would’ve been all over this one but the ball pit was closed for “renovation” (read: bi-annual hosing off).
3. Tushka, OK
Despite the overwhelming temptation to pick up a “My husband / daughter went to Tushka and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” t-shirt for Mom, we decided our time was better spent 5 miles up the road at the Boggy Depot State Park & Recreation Area.
2. Mastodon State Historic Site - Imperial, MO
They didn’t take American Express.
1. Frontier Texas! - Abilene, TX
Frontier Texas Exclamation Point is the main event in (where else?) Abilene, TX. According to AAA Tourbooks, the facility “offers a look at frontier life through audiovisual and interactive exhibits.” Attractions at Frontier Texas Exclamation Point include a surround-sound ride that allows visitors to experience both a buffalo stampede and a shootout; a holographic presentation that introduces frontier (!) folk, settlers, and Indians; and interactive exhibits featuring a stagecoach and a saloon. AAA also advises that “Life-size buffalo replicas may be seen.”
Note: Much of what you are about to read is courtesy of the fine folks at AAA Tourbooks, producers of unintentional comedy since 1947.
For anyone new to AAA Tourbooks, there are a few things you should know before we begin. First, these books are not intended as serious guidebooks. While their stated purpose is tourism, they are geared toward motorists; anyone who has ever been on a road trip knows that motorists are in far greater need of entertainment while on the road than they are tips for sightseeing off the road. Thus, AAA Tourbooks sets itself apart within the industry through sheer breadth of coverage. Picture an entire 683-page volume devoted to things to see and do in Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma. The possibilities are staggering. Then, AAA hands these books out like Starlight mints to anyone even claiming to be a card-carrying member, such that one could theoretically tear out Kansas and use it to spit out one’s gum and still have enough reading material to drive the 40 from Bakersfield to Wilmington and back again.
AAA employs the infamous “Diamond’ rating system for accommodations, which ranges from 3 Diamonds for superior establishments (Hampton Inn) to 1 Diamond (Pit Stop). Single Diamond hotels should be considered only if the undersides of all bridges within a 50-mile radius are already spoken for.
The second important metric for AAA insiders is the recommended time for site visits. For example, the California Tourbook recommends that visitors to the Getty allow 3 hours minimum. Anything with a recommended time allotment of 15 minutes or less should be avoided. However, please bear in mind that AAA did recommend at least an hour for someplace in Albany, TX called the Old Jail Art Center; reader discretion is therefore advised.
It was with these Gold Standards held close to our hearts that Dad and I left San Francisco and ventured out into the Great Unknown. And it was with the AAA Tourbooks as our Roadway Bibles that we pretty much floored it through much of the Mountain & Central zones. Yet, as we drove, scanning maps and flipping through the books to see just exactly what we were missing, a few places caught my eye and drove home the road tripper’s mantra: Never look back.
So, I give you The Road Not Traveled:
10. National Border Patrol Museum - El Paso, TX
AAA tells us that this hallowed institution documents “over 100 years of U.S. Border Patrol history throughout the United States.” On top of this amazing feat, the museum offers visitors an up-close look at the “canine units” and the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to actually sit inside a border patrol vehicle (read: white sedan).
9. Willcox, AZ
While Willcox does boast the one and only Rex Allen Arizona Cowboy Museum and Cowboy Hall of Fame (storyboards! genuine leather! ranch implements!), it is also home to the Willcox Dry Lake Bombing Range (AAA: Allow 1.7 seconds minimum).
8. North Maricopa Mountain Wilderness, Arizona
I hear that the South Maricopa Mountain Wilderness is much nicer this time of year.
7. Jackrabbit Statue - Odessa, TX
This 8-foot statue of a Texas jackrabbit is billed as “the world’s largest known hare.” Despite this convincing claim, Dad and I remained skeptical.
6. George W. Bush Childhood Home - Midland, TX
For those who truly want to get inside the psyche of the man himself, this “fully restored” home boasts “furnishings authentic to the period of 1952-1955” when the Bush family lived there. How the fine folks in the curatorial department managed to get their hands on a real “cracked ice” Formica tabletop and matching chrome & vinyl chairs is anyone’s guess!
5. Burro Peak - Somewhere north of Lordsburg, NM
They say those that visit the Burro come back much altered.
4. Biggest Burger King in Arizona - Yuma, AZ
Dad and I would’ve been all over this one but the ball pit was closed for “renovation” (read: bi-annual hosing off).
3. Tushka, OK
Despite the overwhelming temptation to pick up a “My husband / daughter went to Tushka and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” t-shirt for Mom, we decided our time was better spent 5 miles up the road at the Boggy Depot State Park & Recreation Area.
2. Mastodon State Historic Site - Imperial, MO
They didn’t take American Express.
1. Frontier Texas! - Abilene, TX
Frontier Texas Exclamation Point is the main event in (where else?) Abilene, TX. According to AAA Tourbooks, the facility “offers a look at frontier life through audiovisual and interactive exhibits.” Attractions at Frontier Texas Exclamation Point include a surround-sound ride that allows visitors to experience both a buffalo stampede and a shootout; a holographic presentation that introduces frontier (!) folk, settlers, and Indians; and interactive exhibits featuring a stagecoach and a saloon. AAA also advises that “Life-size buffalo replicas may be seen.”
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